The Worst Restaurant in Orange County

I had lined up this new restaurant to review for The Weekly. The menu looked eclectic. It was one of those modern gastropubs with an Asian spin. But its Yelp page was strange. There were a lot of one-star reviews. But the text that accompanied those reviews were positive. It turns out that the owner was actually encouraging friends to put them up as some sort of a protest against the site. The owner claimed that Yelp was suppressing the good reviews and asking for money.

The refusal to play the Yelp game sounded admirable, but ultimately, I found the strategy foolish. Past a cursory glance, who among us scrolling for a place to eat would dig into a restaurant's Yelp page to find out why it got so few stars?

But it wasn't a concern of mine. I wanted to try it no matter what.

Yet, as the events of the evening unfolded, I came to the realization that hidden in those self-inflicted one-star reviews might have been bad reviews that were actually earned and warranted.

We arrived at 7:30 p.m. on a Saturday night. The place looked hip. The bar looked well-stocked. But no one, not even one customer, was there. The restaurant was empty.

On the menu, we found a pork belly lumpia that sounded interesting. When I asked our waitress how many came to an order, she said two. Since there were three of us, I asked whether it would be possible to have the kitchen fry up one more and just charge us for it. She went to check. When she came back, she informed me they couldn't do it; I'd have to get two orders.

I politely declined.

Shortly thereafter the first order of lumpia arrived. And then came the second.

"But I didn't want the second order," I protested.

"Oh! I thought you said you did," she said.

We excused the mistake and kept the two extra egg rolls but immediately regretted it. The lumpia, covered in a shell that was overfried and burnt, was so salty it made my head hurt. After that came one travesty after another. The noodle salad was strangely stiff, tasting like it was made with uncooked Top Ramen soaked in water.

Then came the clincher.

"Excuse me," I said to the waitress, "This chicken wing is undercooked. It looks burnt on the outside but it's still raw on the inside."

"It's cooked to temperature," she insisted, "Maybe it's just close to an artery. We all ate it before and it should be fine. It's safe."

There was no apology. No offer to take it back nor to take it off the bill.

And that was that: After 15 years of reviewing restaurants for OC Weekly and this blog, I had finally found the worst restaurant in Orange County.

At this point you might be wondering why I've not mentioned the name of the restaurant. I've decided not to reveal it, nor will I rip it apart for the sake of a good read on The Weekly. As my friends wisely said, "It would be like kicking them when they're down."

My friends are absolutely right. Looking around at that empty place, it'd be lucky if it survives the year. And when it does die, it will have done it to itself.

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$5.25 Boba Milk Tea vs. $1.50 Boba Milk Tea

The milk tea you see to the left is from Gong Cha, the newest and shiniest boba shop to open in Irvine. When I ordered it, the cashier asked what sweetness level I wanted (either "no sugar", 30%, 50%, 70%, or 100%) and what level of ice I preferred (either "no ice", 25%, 50%, or 100%).

After that came the toppings. I chose boba (which they called "pearls") and pudding (which was still called "pudding"). Each topping cost an additional 50 cents. Two people and at least one cocktail shaker were involved in its preparation.

When I was presented with the final product, the person told me that I should let them know if anything needed to be adjusted.

Since I opted for the large, and it was the "Brown Sugar Fresh Milk Tea" from their more premium "Fresh Milk Series" list, the total cost for the drink was $5.25.

I still am unsure of the difference between this "Brown Sugar Fresh Milk Tea" and the regular "Pearl Milk Tea", which can be found under the regular "Milk Tea Series" list. But if I had opted for that one in the medium-sized cup, it would've been $3.75.

I point this out because the milk tea you see to the right is from Banh Mi Che Cali. It cost me $1.50 (Banh Mi Che Cali offers two milk teas for $3, toppings included).

It came out of a circulating beverage dispenser. And it tasted no different than the one on the left.

Gong Cha
14130 Culver Dr. Ste H-2
Irvine, CA 92604
(949) 656-8276

Banh Mi & Che Cali
15551 Brookhurst St
Westminster, CA 92683
(714) 839-8185

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Why I Don't Like 626 Night Market

A post shared by MonsterMunching (@monstermunching_oc) on Jul 22, 2017 at 12:35am PDT

This weekend, the crowds will swell again at 626 Night Market in Santa Anita Park. It's the second to last one of the summer. And I get its appeal. For some it may be nostalgia for the night markets of the old country. For others, it's something different to do on a summer's night that's festive and outdoors.

But for me, the more I go, the more I realize how utterly pointless the whole exercise is. First, there's the traffic nightmare in and around it. Then comes the inevitable search for an open parking spot that's not a mile away from the venue. And when I get inside the gate, I have to navigate against herds of people going in different directions. There are lines everywhere. And for what? To eat the same foods I've had elsewhere? To drink a boba milk tea that tastes like all the others?

And then there's the thing that makes it all for naught: the prices.

To be clear, I'm not complaining about the $3 admission fee that the 626 Night Market organizers charge to cover the security guards, fence rentals, and whatever else. That's a sunk cost I can understand. Besides, it's still far less than what they charge for OC Night Market, where they also levy a parking fee.

It's just that when I realize how exorbitantly more expensive everything is, I can't help but think that a lot of the vendors regard the whole endeavor as an opportunistic money grab. To them it must be like shooting fish in a barrel if the fish had pockets full of disposable income. How else to explain how one stall was selling six or seven measly fried quail eggs for $9?

Of course, there are exceptions like the $15 uni rice bowl you see above. A vendor called "Beach Live" served it in an actual sea urchin shell for $15, which is not only reasonable, but a bargain when you consider what a sushi bar would charge for the five lobes of fresh sweet uni we found still stuck to the sides.

Other than that, 626 Night Market is not where you are going to find bargains for food. 626 Night Market is a perversion of what the original night markets in Asia are supposed to be, where the non-wealthy can get a great meal for not much money. In fact, it's my opinion that when you go to 626 Night Market, what you're paying for is the privilege of having a Third World eating experience in a First World country.

One might argue that it's like camping. Although the invention of hotels has made it unnecessary for anyone to sleep outside when they travel, people still camp because it reminds them of the essentials, something that brings them back to basics.

So if you haven't gone or you're a person who might enjoy 626 Night Market for what it is, then you should go. But personally, when sleeping in a tent costs as much as a night at Waldorf Astoria, I'd rather go for the room service.

626 Night Market
285 W Huntington Dr.
Arcadia, CA 91007
(626) 765-5166
http://www.626nightmarket.com

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Another Rhyming Review of Cafe Hiro - Cypress

A post shared by MonsterMunching (@monstermunching_oc) on Jul 23, 2017 at 10:38pm PDT

Cafe Hiro is a monthly ritual,
Our usual Cypress spot.
That's no secret on this blog.
We go there and go there a lot.

We order as we always do,
The same dishes, the same iced tea.
Uni spaghetti. Osso bucco.
That fabulous katsu curry.

But sometimes, there are specials.
Special plates, special deals.
One night, t'was a shrimp tempura salad,
which ate like two meals.

Then karaage made of yellowtail,
Firm and cold its flesh.
Not unlike Filipino escabeche it was,
Sour, and sweet, the red peppers fresh.

Dessert is almost always the bread pudding,
A croissant, egg, and chocolate composite.
After all the years and all the meals,
Maybe Cafe Hiro should just take my direct deposit.

Cafe Hiro
(714) 527-6090
10509 Valley View St
Cypress, CA 90630

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